For the one from the darkness

(yeah this is back,not sure how often but its here)

Forever on that cloak and dagger shit

Mobutu Sese Seko, killing every last one of them without touching a gun

The overseer without a panopticon

if id like to think that im Lungfish,shes Diamanda Galas over Alchemist & VDon beats.

One of two people who i wonder “am i wasting her time when she could be doing something more productive?”

A person who i can tell alot to but deep down i know shes heard these facile complaints 10000 years over, As much as she extends an arm she has every right to believe that what i type comes off empty, more heat than light,bullshit to put it plainly

Imagine being in a old dusty room filled with texts,the floor breaks and you discover an even older temple, with things more arcane bountiful with a goblet and a statue in the corner, thats her

Old but in the same way the Golem was old to the Rabbi, in that it came with experience, power and knowledge

Broken Language as performed by Kira La Jansen

the tide against the eroding rocks,

Does this all come from a place of admiration? yes

Does this possibly come from a place of my own envy? possibly

but because shes pities the straight visage and the old ideas of what consitutes “courtship” and love as snakes eating their own tails.

In a better world i could be that, theres one other person in her cypher who i wish i couldve followed in their example but my bed has already been made long ago.

No ill will but knows when to cut off something because its been more harm or a detriment thn help

The one who learnt long ago that while home should be a place of protection and comfort. Its become a place that you can never go back to,something internally broke the writing might be on the wall but you need to stay in the shapeshifting abode unless lie in the cold and wet.

Thats where the ice comes from not to be cold for its own sake but it comes from being made to accelerate growing up,the need to be “tough” whatever tough maybe.

Everything comes from a place of raw ass smarts. this is a craftperson not any hack it all comes out in a way thats able to cut through what smug wastemen would think of as “reality” from a angle or crevice that gets pulled apart talks the truth to make the so called all wise and knowing god shame at the flaws he so often tries to deny

when all i can muster in the face of it is “yes THAT thats exactly what i wanted to say” but couldnt figure out any of the words in which to say them

something is better than nothing

she got the jokes and is probably funnier than me but is accute in knowing when the air gets sucked out of a room and needs to be treated with the seriousness it deserves.

Lover of weird creatures, and overstacked machines

For the proles but without all the “Stalin did nothing wrong and he was bae” trappings we see a thousand times over.

Willing to carve you a skate out of rock if you feel youre only pushing along with one.

Never putting herself before the story. you tell it you get inside it,form it give it that room to breath,let it box on its own.

i know she knows better her gaze can see through the bullshit, she never tollerates the foolishness which is what i always admired

Barks off the cannon from the shadows but never misses,she never misses always gets the crown, exposing ever “acutally” and “is good” for the fake attempts and going against the grain for what it really is.

Im amazed by her energy to keep ontop of things always first on the field

and all thats why i admire her

 

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No prints no face, no recognition, hardly any trust

Admission: The only pictures of me that exist on the internet are taken by other people,none of them are my own

Ive always detested the very idea of showing any image of myself on the internet.

Its not because of how i view myself, (i think i look alright) but the very vast and infinite idea that some fragment of my image is up there online for all the world to see and knowing that,that image will be up there forever

I recognize it comes from a deep overwhelming sense of paranoia,but considering how encroaching the power of big data and the deification of billionaires and entrepanuers its only given me more reason and belief that my paranoia is right.

Ive never had a problem with selfies, im adverse to them but im not one of those people who are befuddled as to why anybody would want to take one.

I know a few trans and NB people online who use them as a way to document them becoming the person they always felt they were,its a genuine surprise to me that anybody would want to share something as deeply personal as that and normally my response would be to feel that im prying into something that im not meant to (which tends to happen alot to me)  but rather than try to get in the way or shut people down i just sit quiet and let them do as they please. If anything i applaued each and every person i know who does so.

I suppose my distrust goes back to my early days on the internet,unlike many of my peers i didnt mess with internet forums course i jumped on many sites but never in all the time i went on Newgrounds, GameFAQs,the early days of Youtube or any of the places that i used to lurk on did i feel the urge  to ever partake in what was going on.

It’s probably what sets me apart from many people i know this sense of offbeat isolation, trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of things that to others now entering their 30s comes with a “seen it all argued every angle, feel no need to look back” attitude & instead wasting their time in gassing up teens they’ve never interacted with about how they’re the smartest people on the planet or how ones astrology sign deems them a monster or some bullshit like that. People raging at the same people for 10+ years and never getting anywhere and it took a failed racist billionaire for them to ask “what have i been doing with my life?,none of this matters”

I never was interested in 4chan yes i read ED but i was always the outsider looking in,from all the nigger jokes i knew from then that this was a place where somebody like me wasn’t wanted no matter how much they would say the joke wasn’t meant to be taken seriously people who get misty eyed over 2006 remind me of old NY hardcore dads who get upset that they can’t bring boxcutters to shows anymore “that’s when it was real” they say not realising they sound like psychos.

I was late to making an email cause i knew i would need one starting sixth form, it just felt inevitable.

I feel like once i decided to take that leap and join social media there was a long standing personal boundary, a piece of my internal code that was broken and hasn’t quite been fixed back all becase i decided to do something “on a whim” which is something i hardly ever do even now. this one spur of the moment decision changed everything.

Its moments like this when i envy Thomas Pynchon, currently 80 years old and the only pictures of him date back to the 60s, from either his high school or college years.

Then theres also the case of Buddy Bolden, arguably one of the founders of one of the most influential forms of music in the 20th century only for there to be no recorded music and only one photo with him in it, such is the case with many pre-war blues musicians whose records shifty looking overweight white guys pay thousands for in the quest for “authentic,raw” music and plan to live out the rest of their days on some empty patch of land living the kind of life of what they think a farmer in the early 30s wouldve lived like.

Only in their case the reason its hard to find any images of those people is because such things were never thought of being worth preserving in the first place that and the ugly racism that defined the era the people of that time period. So much lost to the passage of time and all that we can base anything on is what remains and the mythology that shrouds so many of the people that existed then.

I dont see the act of hiding your own identity at large from the rest of the world to be some kind of courageous effort, now more than ever at this time people associatie with narcisscistic internet trolls who want to spam journalitsts with beheading videos and insults to journalists who up until the advent of Twitter never came across those people before.

Its funny how so many people say they hate twitter like some vengeful uncaring god but keep coming back to it, i disliked it before i even started,just felt like a fundamentaly bad idea that could be manipulated so easily and yet what got me on it in the first place? A college course in politics (which i failed in) and a competition for headphones that i didn’t win in. I just thought since i had it laying about might aswell put it to good use.

In all the interactions i’ve had and people i’ve come across i can count on my hands the ones that truly meant something,the rest was probably just a byproduct of that.

But in it all some of them were a honest attempt to try and intergrate with groups that i felt i had some kind of connection with a place to “call my own” so to speak but instead my dumb ass was just overreaching.

If anything attempting to hide ones identity has never had lower stock than it has now if you’re not an abusive troll there’s a high chance that you might be one or a doxer or a luddite who just refuses to admit that privacy is dead.

Then there’s the real world issue of discrimination towards Muslims people who have no connection to a faith up and deciding they know whats right and what a underprivledged group of people can and can’t do,people only realising in the dying moments of last realising the experiment of social media was a resounding failure once people no longer had any jokes to shoot off any it all stopped being funny.

The stock in attempting has never been at a low like this, it wasn’t like this before and for many people its the only way they can had any shred of safety in amongst the wolves,but sadly thats how things have ended.

Every day accounts on youtube like LinkupTV and GRMdaily tend to post a couple videos usually on a Friday or a Sunday sometimes of the latest rappers coming up in the “UK Drill” scene, your opinion on the music may vary but one of the most common trends in videos (outside of arial drone shots, goons in a small space, that weird thing some songs do where the audio cuts from the song itself to all the guys in the video location bellowing out half a bar football chant style) is alot of them dont go bareface.

Clueless types first thought it had to do with MF DOOM of all people but i knew why they were rocking ballys,ski masks or cheap halloween masks, it reminded me of the days in grime when certain guys would have their hoodies closed in on their heads really tight so the only thing you could see was their eyes. Even without the reasoning i instinctivly knew why alot of them didnt show face in the first place.

DOOM is a funny one cause his reason to not show his face is part of his supervillian origin story equal parts silly Stan Lee influenced melodrama and the tragedy and attempt to dissaociate himself from his past in KMD. billy woods does it just cause he started off not giving the public anything and just kept going as a way of carving his own path.

If there was a way i could go about my life walking and looking foreward while behind me there was some kind of life broom sweeping away any kind of evidence that i had existed prior in a certain space i would take that, no need to constantly think about Apple,Google or any number of the few tech businesses attempting to own my life, no fear of being doxxed or being blocked anywhere….its a pipe dream but it’s one i cl

But as the world has become a more technology focused one we are forced to try and make sense of a language we dont understand, it used to be all in the name of “fun” becuase those were the days when we collectivly still bought into the idea that the internet was some kind of egalatarian free for all. Once that curtain was raised and it turned out that there acutally was no Garden of Eden to speak of only the same dreary scapes that were controlled by the same overprivledged people who owned everything except this time round they think they’re your friend because you and them both on the same Final Fantasy, Red Bubble produced shirt

It all feels like alot of discussions in certain subcultures happened too early but hardly anybody who was doing the talking thought it was nesessairy to do something “debate” too precident over everything meanwhile the ones who were doing all the leg work in the real shadows were carving up everything.

With some people that used to hang with me it was sometimes a joke, seeing me visibly squirm when they would take out a selfie stick on the bus or move out the way as far as possible when they were taking a photo cover my hood over my eyes anything. but once things went from bad to worse all of a sudden the one black breh in the crew wasn’t acting crazy if anything he was the canary in the coalmine and these were the people i thought were on top of shit.

I’ve got Tor and considered getting a VPN but i don’t know if thats the fear talking or taking legitmate saftey measures i get the feeling if i were to ask around some wouldn’t know either.

All i can say now is that looking back on everything from then up until now terrified assuming teen me was deathly right about certain kind of people who used

and if i could go back and talk to him i’d just say keep doing what you’re doing and don’t bother getting a email and to stay away from facebook and twitter….never follow your whims your assumptions were right all along.

 

P: i miss you dearly

 

I return to this often,probably more often than some people would say i

That’s the ability that Prodigy had that very few rappers had, the abiltiy to rap in such a direct numb fashion and yet at the same time still present the feeling that he was a million miles away fromwhere ever you were.

It’s probably that sense that any kind of joy to be had was sucked out the room why he scared me as a kid, he wasn’t loud like M.O.P. , the reason for his darkness came from somewhere else entirely it was very human darkness of somebody who’d been let down or had been in enough drama to the point where it stopped being entertaning but also a person who saw it as his only way to respond to being pushed too far, he didn’t enjoy it and would rather be peaceful but thats the way it went. I related to that as i got older that kind of anger once i reached a certain age i had to summon up from somewhere otherwise the wolves would take you for a clown, it never really leaves you after that stages passes but there is some satisfaction that if you keep to a certain path you don’t have to deal with it anymore.

Nas never really had that too caught up in his idea of being a revolutionary leader to totally be street level god bless him for trying, P always kept it close to the earth,even as he got more frantic and violent as he got older. For every garbled Infowars/Behold a Pale Horse inspired screed like “Real Power is people” or “Mafuckin U$A” he would have a steady arsenal violent blood soaked bangers that were perfect soundtracks to whenever you had a bad mood .

I’ve been listening to 2012’s The Bumpy Johnson Album lately, not a essential listen by any means but its heavy on the Sid Roams and Alchemist beats he’d grown fond of by that point. “Recipie for Murder” is the kind of bleak slapsticky joke that i could see myself coming up with you come up with one idea thats dumb but not too complicated and just run with it. In this case him being a chef with beef as his speciality.

P was a comedian but not in the way that semi-ruined Cam’ron where he went so far gone into a meme it damaged the quality of the music itself, nah P’s jokes were the kind where if you didn’t listen closely they sounded just as dark as any of his other threats, you couldn’t tell when he was being sarcastic or not.

As much as i loved “Albert Einstein” in my heart of heart it did feel like the last time he would be rapping “well” in that convensional sense but he was always interesting even at his lowest there was always a reason to go back and listen to his music one way or another,he grappled with the drama and beef on the street as a goon and a boss but also clawing at the things in society that kept us in control. Course i took it with a pinch of salt but it was his clear empathy for people and hip hop culture at large,why he felt the need to talk about it i’ve always thought Alex Jones was a joke long before he got accepted as the most legitimate journalist in America in the eyes of the government, but P appearing on his show made sense in its own way.

In his later years he was like an old prizefigheter boxer bloody in the face didn’t have as much speed or contrl as he used to but his sense of power and he used his abilities was damn near beautiful. Yeah there’s alot of times where he didn’t rhyme at all but his control and presence were so good he had a way of making you not notice.

HNIC 2 for my money is about as weird as ODB’s “Nigga Please” or any of garbage that Viper or Lil Ugly Mane shart out for the kind of people who get really into rap but listen to the stuff that nobody in rap fandom really listen to.  There’s not much “good” rapping per say on it but its got this exhausted weary vibe on it that i love, the cover has multiple versions of him in various outfits on top of poorly drawn drug paraphanalia, there’s a bit on “Young Veterans” where he decided to go all Helios Creed and sound like he’s rapping underwater for some reason. he calls himself a “handsome shooter” on “New Yitty” but it’s all great.

Its for these reasons why the fact that he died choking on an egg that makes it so tragic he was a consistently dark writer always wanted to do shit on his own terms he beefed with enough people on and off wax that it was a genuine surprise that by his last years he was able to patch up things with Littles and Tru Life. His pain bled through his music in a way that anybody who felt lesser than or difficulties with disablilties or health problems like his own could understand.

I remember his first interview on the Combat Jack show after he got out of prison he sounded like a new man no longer plagued by his demons his autobiography came out around the same time and it was part promo part grown man life talk. Felt good to hear him sound happy it was impossible not to root for him even if he did upset N.O.R.E. saying he beat the breaks off of him and talked about all kinds of crazy shit he got up to in his teens.

He burned bridges told clapped out rappers to “go paint a house or sell some drugs” cause not everybody was meant to be a rapper, put out a prison cookbook, was able to forgive Havoc even after saying all the bullshit he said about him on twitter and for better or worse like alot of people i admire he marched to his own rhythm.

His grandfather was a sax player,his mother sang in The Crystals and his great great great grandfather founded Morehouse College.

And i miss him dearly

 

Quake: The void

Some of the scariest moments of Quake one were in the last 2 levels off the 4th world where i had 2 Fiends, chasing after, i could hear the sound of a Vore crying in my head phones, i had accidentaly alerted 3 Spawns who had now joined the chase and in my hand i had a rocket launcher wondering what the hell was going on.

Some how through a strange combination luck,infighting well aimed shots and weapon switching i was able to get out of there take a breather and save so that i wouldnt have to go through the same ordeal again.

In a weird way, i really grew to love this game the way i would Chief Keefs “Nobody” mixtape its a game that is singuarly focused on tone and nothing else, its the kind of game that in retrospect you remember being well thought out and planned but when youre in the thick of it, is really disorientating and raw about the whole experience.

Right down to the controls: Movement, changing  jumping, shooting its the first person experience whittled down to its skeleton, one of the things that annoys me about recent “old school” FPS games is that they talk up how i debt they are to “the classics” but they keep adding these weird little extra parts that more often tend to harken to Duke Nukem 3D or Redneck Rampage than anything, its almost always generic metal music or a button that allows you to do something “funny” that has no baring on what is happening in the playing field whatsoever.

If theres one big reason why Duke Nukem looks so archaic and embarassing in a more “socially aware” era of games its because it CONSTANTLY draws attention to itself. It was only considered funny then if only because of the quips and cheap mysoginy to make the player feel grown and transgressive whatever a weak attempt at transgression it may be, but now its only “funny” in you do looking at a 30 year old metal in aviator shades shriek about how the fact that they dont make movies like Cobra anymore is the reason 16 year olds are so “sensitive”.

Quake never tries to draw attention to itself outside of Id congratulating you, Romero,Carmack,Mcgee & Petersen were never story tellers in the traditional narrative sense but they had more than enough imagination to spare where it counted, Petersen is and has always been a HP Lovecraft fan but he was smart to incorporate the ideas and parts of Lovecraft that had nothing to do with nebbish confused racism and xenophobia. Its purposfully alienating and proceeds to add more of that as it goes on through its castles & swamps all the while the purple skies shroud you from whatever sense of place that you might try to grasp onto.

Dooms sense of verticality is strong but it was only hinted at in terms of how it would transpose you through tunnels,viaducts and once in a blue moon if Sandy Petersen wanted to mess with you drop you into a pit filled with Imps & Pinkys when you thought youd, see the end, Quake is almost kind of gleeful in how it approaches it, its still clear and for my money one of the best aspects of Quake is how a game so distant is able to direct the player where they need to go but at the same time its willing to be nasty like push you into pits filled with Spawns, move the ground from under you to expose lava and present you two Fiends to deal with.

From my time spent in the mod world its fascinating to see in WADs like Saturning Chapel, Misama or shit even Ancient Aliens take that sense of verticality but apply into different ways to emphiasise that kind of movement incorporated into such an old skeleton of a game.

Alot of people lay the blame at Quake for being the forebare for a generation of PS3 & 360 games all going for a similair kind of hard brown and grey colours witch were meant to evoke some sense of realism but just look drab for the sake of being drab. While i wouldnt say Quakes look outside of the times where i couldnt see where Spawns were hiding because a section in the map would be too dark for me to see anything.

Between that and the brooding soundtrack theres something strangly comforting in its dark void,atonal chords, muffled groans , the best way to put it is that the soundtrack oozes from the speakers ,it always sounds slightly too loud to be ambient but it wraps itself around you. Its the musical equivalent of feeling and being at the bottom. Its cold, you have to live with the feeling that nobody will come and take you away from it and you cant claw your way out if it. i accepted ages ago that i will never been much of a Nine Inch Nails fan but Trent Reznors work on this game deserves to be celebrated.

Between this and Aubrey Hodges work on Doom 64 and Final Doom id personally prefer if more FPS games attempted for this kind of frightning & enveloping score instead of trying to rehash Effigy of the Forgotten for the 80th time.

Even if you played the game and just had the sound effects while the enemies may not be as visually memorable as Baron of Hell or the Cacodemon the sound design is strong to where you only need to hear groans shrieks and whatever the horrible squelching sounds the Spawn makes in order for you to know whats coming ahead. Of course part of the charm with the enemies for me is they still retain some of that juvinalia even if this was their attempt to make a more serious game compared to their previous effort.

Ogres i feel would be better suited in a game inspired by the kind of cheap “video nasty” film that produced works like Nekromatic and are annoying to deal with due to the difficult to follow patterns of how they follow grenades but they work as a way to keep the player moving and Spawns are nothing more of a chore to deal with because theyre movement patters are so scattershot its hard to keep track of one, the fact that upon killing them they blow up and do the same ammount of damage as a rocket doesnt help, A case of One egg too many.

I died alot in this game, i didnt bunny hop, nor did i rocket jump as much as i probably shouldve but i speak as somebody who the first FPS game i played was 2003s Vietcong. A tactical shooter that these days i would be surprised to learn if anybody remembers it besides me and i mostly stuck to having bot fights in the one map i had at the beginning and the tutorial it taught me the basics of how to appreciate a genre that up until then never interested me that much.

But ive got nothing but admiration for Quake, it really is a genuinly strange game where everything in it is purposfully put together but it looks and feels mishapen, its one of those rare cases where the older a game gets the more the sharp points and primitive designs add to the uncannyness of what is going on instead in a positive aspect compared,its a gloomier interpretation of Dooms maze and puzzles haunted house ride experience,omnidirectional but at the same time it blinkers you to one thing:finding the exit and taking out everything in your path for survivals sake, and i really enjoyed my time with it.

 

For the people who reminded me that it’s just fucking video games mate

Andi,Sean,Gary,Owen

I first came across the Midnight Resistance podcast back in 2013 I thought they’re website was put together weird and had no idea  this was my introduction to their “brand”: http://midnightresistance.co.uk/podcast/ywy1smwv3lyu99s79d9fo4r1poob9d

From the second i heard Andi say that he’d been playing Fire Emblem Awakening i knew this was something special.

Midnight Resistance have provided me alot of hilarity and information and despite their continuous self-deprecation alot of insight into games peoples individual relationships with games.

I think what drew me to MR was that even  they weren’t experts in that Giant Bomb way,these were more like my sort of people guys who really deserve better than the medium their in but united by a close friendship over video games, a sense of humour over how ridiculous the games, the people who write them and those in the medium can be.

But most importantly the fact that at the end of the day they’re still grown arse adults who are a little too caught up in a hobby they probably feel they should’ve abandoned at some point. Midnight Resistance is the kind of i should’ve been reading when i was really into Yahtzee and Zero Punctuation and to be quite honest they are far better.

Of all the time I’ve spent on Twitter I still hold them up as being one of the few positives that i’ve gotten out of the whole twitter experiment,through them i’ve come across others who one way or another have something to do with with games in and around the UK and all of them whether I still talk to them or not carry that same sense of irreverance with varying degrees of dark humour to the medium and by right are all worth reading or listening to for their opinion on games in one way or the other.

It would be too long to mention them all but I thought I would at least do a write up about the 4 lads who i mainly associate with the site.

Sean, first off congrats to you and your wife on the baby I wish all 3 of you the best in the near future, I first heard you on MR but then going back and checking out old episodes of Joypod and on The Computer Gaming Show, it’s always a pleasure to listen to you talk about games or getting sucked off by Kirby or something mental like that but I love that you’re always yourself even when Andi and Turners get on your case for voicing the “wrong” opinion it’s always a joy.

Andi mate I blame you for getting me back in the wrestling again,but it’s been more of a positive behind all the game gore, the metal as fuck beard and intense dislike of Banbury is a really sharp, intelligent but most of all passionate about games, you had to deal with alot of badmind people after you gave a negative reception of Hotline Miami 2 but i remember even after the game came out I wanted to read your review first before everybody elses, that’s how much i trusted you when it came to talking about that game. Keep causing grief at Loading Bar mate one day I should come down.

Gary, I also blame you for getting me back into the graps but not as much, I feel awfuly neglectful at the fact that we haven’t talked in ages but i’m always happy to see you on twitter doing something,taking pictures, your experiences of playing games with your daughter or Making games is cool, it’s all just a joy to be honest,you’re also the reason I got to check out Chat Very Good (admittedly haven’t listened in a while need to correct that) really hope all is well keep up the good work mate.

Owen, out of everybody I find you’re the person I learn the most from on MR, and at time the person with the most insight not just in talking about games but also in regards to the education of games, hearing you talk about game development or your work in regards to indie games and really breaking down how an industry that many people who claim to understand really works is always the most worthwhile parts of the podcast I tend to find. It’s stuff like that, that makes me think that I should’ve gone into game development at least just to pick up some skills but. I feel that ship has sailed for me.

Like you mate i’m trying to find a way to get off this sinking ship of an island but where ever you go iI feel that you’re presence shouldn’t go unnoticed and you are a valuable part of any group effort and speaking as somebody who also is afflicted with that sense of imposter syndrome you should stop cutting yourself off at the legs before you can even walk.

I’ll readily admit that i had this one in the chamber for a while now, but i felt the urge to really type this one out as i got wind that Midnight Resistance would be coming to an end very soon,thanks for giving me many laughs on the back of the bus, exposing me to new games and going at from all angles on collaborative efforts to understand what made a specific series of games work (I LOVED all of Doomcember) and you’ll be sorely missed by me.

Thanks and fuck David Cage

 

 

 

Not fitting in

Thine eyes have had enough of you.

You who seeks to find a home, a shelter, some kind of land to call a home, you’ve done the one thing you swore you disliked the most: you wasted other peoples time.

You who feels as though the need to belong to a small cabal of like minded people is at once both pathetic and part of what you need to survive unless you either go mad or shoot a bullet through your jaw.

This feeling isnt new  ,the closest and most begrudging companion you have next to your own shadow its been there with you from the day you were born, being able to see both sides of the proverbial fence

But you remember it all those afternoons when the Jamaican kids in your secondary year were slating off Africans, the stories from your dad who tells you about the reason him and his grandfather  every halfhearted assault and gesture from your older cousins who you only had blind love to give to them and yet all they could reinforce back your way was the kind of backhanded jealousy and spite that you only hear about in stories when an old patriarch dies in a rich family.

You grew up listening to Nas, Killah Priest and a bunch of similiar minded rappers mourn for the rich history of what they lost ,they drape themselves in the finery of exotic items and history as informed by mystics,strange authors and shamless hucksters to try and make up for this void. You partially have that,but also struggle to relate to such stories of kings and queens because you can trace a direct link back to where at least half of you comes from.

Only thing is that side of your lineage has never really sought to extend an olive branch to your curiosity. You know this but your other side dont know all they see is this assumed pagentry and regality something that they wish that they had or that could take and use for their own means. You’ve told them before that you’ve never seen such finery…ever you try to explain to them about how the day came when you finally met the certain family members who were supposed to greet you with open arms all you ever got was told to “study harder because things in life will only get easier for you”.

You know who these people are but you dont recognise them, it feels like you’ve intruded in on somebody elses home.

There has been, moments in your life where in trying to maintain an effort to be good somewhere with in you that goodness snaps . HARD. At that point you just run on a raw impulse to do something that is out of that “good” norm for you and each time the results have burned you harder.

You particularly sware to never listen to Harlan Ellisons advice after you take it too personally that you dont have that much “real life” experience compared to what he went through. You remember your bullies partially but you dont have any rage or bile against them that was a long time ago thoughts of those days feel vague.

Its in this tunnel vision you decide to take a stop and you didn’t realize with the hard thud of a beat in your heart that you have become a thing that you both didnt intend to and wrestle with that is part of you.

A stalker. A sludge that doesn’t so much move as it does shift and shake you headbutt with your own desperation it is appalling and it is disgusting but you keep doing it, paranoia warps your perception, you keep apologising that you said something stupid or come off as an irritant to others.

Saying “Im sorry” cant patch this up, you know that you could blurt out what you’ve done but you overthink the consequences too much “maybe this is what i deserve, but what about the time i spent talking to this person sharing my innermost feelings with them, gone.”

People don’t respond to you when you try to say something to them, you assume its either because they’re busy or more than likely they know what you’ve done you know what they don’t want to talk, so you leave them to it.

It travels so deep withing you that you don’t even trust your own sense of judgement anymore,you see your own being as somebody else entirely. you recognise the ugly picture but you don’t feel any semblance of a connection to it anymore.

But at the end of it all the scars don’t heal the ones you’ve inflicted on others and yourself,”put it out of your mind,go do something else” but the sight of the concrete is never too far from your field of view.

You dont want nor expect any pity,pity is easy to give and it costs nothing, you thought about making a quiet exit but that would be the cowards way out and that isn’t you, but what it does add is another facet to your thinking another limb to the sickening decision you’ve made.

You’re a creep, come off as overly aggressive even when trying to be positive. Should’ve known how to reign in these intense feelings.

This isn’t like losing a friend because you still vaguely talk with an ex-partner or an abuser, those you didn’t know about, you don’t know how to feel or take control of said situation because its not in your nature to pry into those kind of matters. Just quietly recognise it for the severity that it has and that you might not be able to talk to them again.

This is different because it lies at your feet, you the sole instigator and criminal in this. You turned these people away through your battering ram approach and for what?

Just to get involved and to feel like you belonged to something, because you felt that you found a bunch of similar minded funny people who you could talk to and share experiences with thoughts and ideas, these were the people who you wish you had as friends growing up. To get smarter sharper with your opinions to think more critically of the world

What you didn’t realise is you overstepped your boundaries, no amount of apologies can change that.

Pathetic bredrin, no other way to look at it

You asked a person about their skirt length thinking it was an innocent enough question? only for you to immediately realise what you did wrong? fuck was on your mind? Disability or not that’s one of the worst decisions you’ve ever made.

The ephemera and sights of your area leaves you,things around you feel to change but you remain the same to a fault. Being a social butterfly is meant to be a great thing so they say but the reality is its more stifling than anything

your “home” doesn’t feel like home instead it feels as if you constantly have hooks in your back pulling lifting you up by your skin. Every once in a while you can feel the uncomfortable feeling but otherwise its just there.

It is what it is fuck what it could’ve been.

Are you being harsh on yourself or is it facing the truth? at this point its impossible to tell.

Where do you go or what do you do is the next difficult issue for you to decide? you wish to go “anywhere but here” on this crumbling island but you have no idea of a destination as where to go.

You’ve made much of the journey this far but it feels as though this is where that road ends,the drawbridge has been raised and you have either one of three choices , jump in and embrace defeat stand there and stare at barrier and ruminate on what could’ve been or you can just walk back with no fanfare but with the feeling of “this isnt where i should be”

You’ve been in between two different worlds all your life, most likely destined to be a small island unto yourself, you’ve learned to embrace your own company but that will eat you inside out and in some ways maybe that might be for the better.

You might think this is about you but in reality is isnt, its only about you in the sense of what you did, they’re voice matters more than you. Vanishing into thin air might be your only bit of respite. Own up to it.

 

For a friend I worry that I take for granted

Seamus P. Burke my dude, my homie,my bredrin and all them other affection words that I could use.

Seamus is a fella i’ve known since before i’ve really gotten with twitter,at this point it feels like i’ve known him forever,the grey man, the only guy i know of who can make grey hair and black nails work and flaunt it.

Before we got aquainted I was just a fan reading along to Oh Goodie! chuckling at some of the references  that one panel of James sitting alone miserable and in a daze in that small toilet is a image that’ll live with me cause I’ve been in that lonely space before.

No One Cares is a brisk thoughtful bit of slice of life that i like to,it’s odd cause i’m not the hugest fan of those kind of comics cause it feels like they repeat themselves very frequently but all it takes is the right combination of humour and melancholy for me to be engrossed in what a person has to say.

“What a horrible night to have a curse” is a riff on Castlevania 2 one of the clunkiest and weirdest sequels to come out of the NES era there’s enough absurdity in it to make it stand out from your usual gaming webcomic but not enough that it just becomes a chore.

We both share our own frustration as being people with foreign names who people mispronouce alot of the time,I love your stories about growing up in Chicago and your stories about your family and how you pretty much played the biggest gamble in moving out to Portland.

You was the person I confided in about my diagnosis when I was still trying to figure out what it all meant for me at that point in time,I still remember when you came out with that piece about your own difficulties at the time I was struggling to find people who identified with what was going on with me I went to this summer club at a secondary school not far from my college but it’s hard to really feel like you belong when you’re the oldest person there.

So to see that and especially to see you go in the detail about it,the exhaustion the frustration and especially the paranoia as you described it “being trapped in a permanent feeling of did I leave the gas on?” to say it meant alot to me is an understatement.

But this post also serves as my own personal apology to you,my man as I feel like i’ve been taking your friendship for granted neglecting and not really talking with you. I’m really happy to see that you and April are still together, we’ve both lost one or two mutual friends who were important to us for things out of our control,not to mention both our countries are throwing out the baby with the bath water and it’s only 2 months in.

There were alot of times were you could contact me and i would either quietly shun you or you probably haven’t heard from me for months at a time, but it’s not because I suddenly didn’t like you I was just not really in the mood to talk to anybody, either wanting my own bit of solitude,I know i’m not the nicest person but there’s alot of people who i’ve come in contact who I think about how they’re doing alot and you’re definitely one of the people who sticks out to me the most.

My good friend Seamus.

There’s been some personal turmoil on your end and I see that you’ve set up a patreon, those youtube videos you’ve been making are good man keep it up as somebody who grew up with a game boy it means alot to see you cover them not only that but to start off with Tetris,that’s a power move in my book.

It’s really nice to know somebody else whose a creative and be able to say that i’ve sort of grown and changed alongside with them I regret that this past year I haven’t been catching up with you as long as I should but the fact that you’re still out there and giving the good fight makes me happy.

Tell April and Jen Van Meter  that i said hello and i hope they’re doing alright, maybe this week we can catch up and shoot the shit about what’s been going on both our ends.I feel proud to know you.

props to you man.

feel free to contribute to his Patreon :https://www.patreon.com/spburke