Quake: The void

Some of the scariest moments of Quake one were in the last 2 levels off the 4th world where i had 2 Fiends, chasing after, i could hear the sound of a Vore crying in my head phones, i had accidentaly alerted 3 Spawns who had now joined the chase and in my hand i had a rocket launcher wondering what the hell was going on.

Some how through a strange combination luck,infighting well aimed shots and weapon switching i was able to get out of there take a breather and save so that i wouldnt have to go through the same ordeal again.

In a weird way, i really grew to love this game the way i would Chief Keefs “Nobody” mixtape its a game that is singuarly focused on tone and nothing else, its the kind of game that in retrospect you remember being well thought out and planned but when youre in the thick of it, is really disorientating and raw about the whole experience.

Right down to the controls: Movement, changing  jumping, shooting its the first person experience whittled down to its skeleton, one of the things that annoys me about recent “old school” FPS games is that they talk up how i debt they are to “the classics” but they keep adding these weird little extra parts that more often tend to harken to Duke Nukem 3D or Redneck Rampage than anything, its almost always generic metal music or a button that allows you to do something “funny” that has no baring on what is happening in the playing field whatsoever.

If theres one big reason why Duke Nukem looks so archaic and embarassing in a more “socially aware” era of games its because it CONSTANTLY draws attention to itself. It was only considered funny then if only because of the quips and cheap mysoginy to make the player feel grown and transgressive whatever a weak attempt at transgression it may be, but now its only “funny” in you do looking at a 30 year old metal in aviator shades shriek about how the fact that they dont make movies like Cobra anymore is the reason 16 year olds are so “sensitive”.

Quake never tries to draw attention to itself outside of Id congratulating you, Romero,Carmack,Mcgee & Petersen were never story tellers in the traditional narrative sense but they had more than enough imagination to spare where it counted, Petersen is and has always been a HP Lovecraft fan but he was smart to incorporate the ideas and parts of Lovecraft that had nothing to do with nebbish confused racism and xenophobia. Its purposfully alienating and proceeds to add more of that as it goes on through its castles & swamps all the while the purple skies shroud you from whatever sense of place that you might try to grasp onto.

Dooms sense of verticality is strong but it was only hinted at in terms of how it would transpose you through tunnels,viaducts and once in a blue moon if Sandy Petersen wanted to mess with you drop you into a pit filled with Imps & Pinkys when you thought youd, see the end, Quake is almost kind of gleeful in how it approaches it, its still clear and for my money one of the best aspects of Quake is how a game so distant is able to direct the player where they need to go but at the same time its willing to be nasty like push you into pits filled with Spawns, move the ground from under you to expose lava and present you two Fiends to deal with.

From my time spent in the mod world its fascinating to see in WADs like Saturning Chapel, Misama or shit even Ancient Aliens take that sense of verticality but apply into different ways to emphiasise that kind of movement incorporated into such an old skeleton of a game.

Alot of people lay the blame at Quake for being the forebare for a generation of PS3 & 360 games all going for a similair kind of hard brown and grey colours witch were meant to evoke some sense of realism but just look drab for the sake of being drab. While i wouldnt say Quakes look outside of the times where i couldnt see where Spawns were hiding because a section in the map would be too dark for me to see anything.

Between that and the brooding soundtrack theres something strangly comforting in its dark void,atonal chords, muffled groans , the best way to put it is that the soundtrack oozes from the speakers ,it always sounds slightly too loud to be ambient but it wraps itself around you. Its the musical equivalent of feeling and being at the bottom. Its cold, you have to live with the feeling that nobody will come and take you away from it and you cant claw your way out if it. i accepted ages ago that i will never been much of a Nine Inch Nails fan but Trent Reznors work on this game deserves to be celebrated.

Between this and Aubrey Hodges work on Doom 64 and Final Doom id personally prefer if more FPS games attempted for this kind of frightning & enveloping score instead of trying to rehash Effigy of the Forgotten for the 80th time.

Even if you played the game and just had the sound effects while the enemies may not be as visually memorable as Baron of Hell or the Cacodemon the sound design is strong to where you only need to hear groans shrieks and whatever the horrible squelching sounds the Spawn makes in order for you to know whats coming ahead. Of course part of the charm with the enemies for me is they still retain some of that juvinalia even if this was their attempt to make a more serious game compared to their previous effort.

Ogres i feel would be better suited in a game inspired by the kind of cheap “video nasty” film that produced works like Nekromatic and are annoying to deal with due to the difficult to follow patterns of how they follow grenades but they work as a way to keep the player moving and Spawns are nothing more of a chore to deal with because theyre movement patters are so scattershot its hard to keep track of one, the fact that upon killing them they blow up and do the same ammount of damage as a rocket doesnt help, A case of One egg too many.

I died alot in this game, i didnt bunny hop, nor did i rocket jump as much as i probably shouldve but i speak as somebody who the first FPS game i played was 2003s Vietcong. A tactical shooter that these days i would be surprised to learn if anybody remembers it besides me and i mostly stuck to having bot fights in the one map i had at the beginning and the tutorial it taught me the basics of how to appreciate a genre that up until then never interested me that much.

But ive got nothing but admiration for Quake, it really is a genuinly strange game where everything in it is purposfully put together but it looks and feels mishapen, its one of those rare cases where the older a game gets the more the sharp points and primitive designs add to the uncannyness of what is going on instead in a positive aspect compared,its a gloomier interpretation of Dooms maze and puzzles haunted house ride experience,omnidirectional but at the same time it blinkers you to one thing:finding the exit and taking out everything in your path for survivals sake, and i really enjoyed my time with it.



For the people who reminded me that it’s just fucking video games mate


I first came across the Midnight Resistance podcast back in 2013 I thought they’re website was put together weird and had no idea  this was my introduction to their “brand”: http://midnightresistance.co.uk/podcast/ywy1smwv3lyu99s79d9fo4r1poob9d

From the second i heard Andi say that he’d been playing Fire Emblem Awakening i knew this was something special.

Midnight Resistance have provided me alot of hilarity and information and despite their continuous self-deprecation alot of insight into games peoples individual relationships with games.

I think what drew me to MR was that even  they weren’t experts in that Giant Bomb way,these were more like my sort of people guys who really deserve better than the medium their in but united by a close friendship over video games, a sense of humour over how ridiculous the games, the people who write them and those in the medium can be.

But most importantly the fact that at the end of the day they’re still grown arse adults who are a little too caught up in a hobby they probably feel they should’ve abandoned at some point. Midnight Resistance is the kind of i should’ve been reading when i was really into Yahtzee and Zero Punctuation and to be quite honest they are far better.

Of all the time I’ve spent on Twitter I still hold them up as being one of the few positives that i’ve gotten out of the whole twitter experiment,through them i’ve come across others who one way or another have something to do with with games in and around the UK and all of them whether I still talk to them or not carry that same sense of irreverance with varying degrees of dark humour to the medium and by right are all worth reading or listening to for their opinion on games in one way or the other.

It would be too long to mention them all but I thought I would at least do a write up about the 4 lads who i mainly associate with the site.

Sean, first off congrats to you and your wife on the baby I wish all 3 of you the best in the near future, I first heard you on MR but then going back and checking out old episodes of Joypod and on The Computer Gaming Show, it’s always a pleasure to listen to you talk about games or getting sucked off by Kirby or something mental like that but I love that you’re always yourself even when Andi and Turners get on your case for voicing the “wrong” opinion it’s always a joy.

Andi mate I blame you for getting me back in the wrestling again,but it’s been more of a positive behind all the game gore, the metal as fuck beard and intense dislike of Banbury is a really sharp, intelligent but most of all passionate about games, you had to deal with alot of badmind people after you gave a negative reception of Hotline Miami 2 but i remember even after the game came out I wanted to read your review first before everybody elses, that’s how much i trusted you when it came to talking about that game. Keep causing grief at Loading Bar mate one day I should come down.

Gary, I also blame you for getting me back into the graps but not as much, I feel awfuly neglectful at the fact that we haven’t talked in ages but i’m always happy to see you on twitter doing something,taking pictures, your experiences of playing games with your daughter or Making games is cool, it’s all just a joy to be honest,you’re also the reason I got to check out Chat Very Good (admittedly haven’t listened in a while need to correct that) really hope all is well keep up the good work mate.

Owen, out of everybody I find you’re the person I learn the most from on MR, and at time the person with the most insight not just in talking about games but also in regards to the education of games, hearing you talk about game development or your work in regards to indie games and really breaking down how an industry that many people who claim to understand really works is always the most worthwhile parts of the podcast I tend to find. It’s stuff like that, that makes me think that I should’ve gone into game development at least just to pick up some skills but. I feel that ship has sailed for me.

Like you mate i’m trying to find a way to get off this sinking ship of an island but where ever you go iI feel that you’re presence shouldn’t go unnoticed and you are a valuable part of any group effort and speaking as somebody who also is afflicted with that sense of imposter syndrome you should stop cutting yourself off at the legs before you can even walk.

I’ll readily admit that i had this one in the chamber for a while now, but i felt the urge to really type this one out as i got wind that Midnight Resistance would be coming to an end very soon,thanks for giving me many laughs on the back of the bus, exposing me to new games and going at from all angles on collaborative efforts to understand what made a specific series of games work (I LOVED all of Doomcember) and you’ll be sorely missed by me.

Thanks and fuck David Cage




Not fitting in

Thine eyes have had enough of you.

You who seeks to find a home, a shelter, some kind of land to call a home, you’ve done the one thing you swore you disliked the most: you wasted other peoples time.

You who feels as though the need to belong to a small cabal of like minded people is at once both pathetic and part of what you need to survive unless you either go mad or shoot a bullet through your jaw.

This feeling isnt new  ,the closest and most begrudging companion you have next to your own shadow its been there with you from the day you were born, being able to see both sides of the proverbial fence

But you remember it all those afternoons when the Jamaican kids in your secondary year were slating off Africans, the stories from your dad who tells you about the reason him and his grandfather  every halfhearted assault and gesture from your older cousins who you only had blind love to give to them and yet all they could reinforce back your way was the kind of backhanded jealousy and spite that you only hear about in stories when an old patriarch dies in a rich family.

You grew up listening to Nas, Killah Priest and a bunch of similiar minded rappers mourn for the rich history of what they lost ,they drape themselves in the finery of exotic items and history as informed by mystics,strange authors and shamless hucksters to try and make up for this void. You partially have that,but also struggle to relate to such stories of kings and queens because you can trace a direct link back to where at least half of you comes from.

Only thing is that side of your lineage has never really sought to extend an olive branch to your curiosity. You know this but your other side dont know all they see is this assumed pagentry and regality something that they wish that they had or that could take and use for their own means. You’ve told them before that you’ve never seen such finery…ever you try to explain to them about how the day came when you finally met the certain family members who were supposed to greet you with open arms all you ever got was told to “study harder because things in life will only get easier for you”.

You know who these people are but you dont recognise them, it feels like you’ve intruded in on somebody elses home.

There has been, moments in your life where in trying to maintain an effort to be good somewhere with in you that goodness snaps . HARD. At that point you just run on a raw impulse to do something that is out of that “good” norm for you and each time the results have burned you harder.

You particularly sware to never listen to Harlan Ellisons advice after you take it too personally that you dont have that much “real life” experience compared to what he went through. You remember your bullies partially but you dont have any rage or bile against them that was a long time ago thoughts of those days feel vague.

Its in this tunnel vision you decide to take a stop and you didn’t realize with the hard thud of a beat in your heart that you have become a thing that you both didnt intend to and wrestle with that is part of you.

A stalker. A sludge that doesn’t so much move as it does shift and shake you headbutt with your own desperation it is appalling and it is disgusting but you keep doing it, paranoia warps your perception, you keep apologising that you said something stupid or come off as an irritant to others.

Saying “Im sorry” cant patch this up, you know that you could blurt out what you’ve done but you overthink the consequences too much “maybe this is what i deserve, but what about the time i spent talking to this person sharing my innermost feelings with them, gone.”

People don’t respond to you when you try to say something to them, you assume its either because they’re busy or more than likely they know what you’ve done you know what they don’t want to talk, so you leave them to it.

It travels so deep withing you that you don’t even trust your own sense of judgement anymore,you see your own being as somebody else entirely. you recognise the ugly picture but you don’t feel any semblance of a connection to it anymore.

But at the end of it all the scars don’t heal the ones you’ve inflicted on others and yourself,”put it out of your mind,go do something else” but the sight of the concrete is never too far from your field of view.

You dont want nor expect any pity,pity is easy to give and it costs nothing, you thought about making a quiet exit but that would be the cowards way out and that isn’t you, but what it does add is another facet to your thinking another limb to the sickening decision you’ve made.

You’re a creep, come off as overly aggressive even when trying to be positive. Should’ve known how to reign in these intense feelings.

This isn’t like losing a friend because you still vaguely talk with an ex-partner or an abuser, those you didn’t know about, you don’t know how to feel or take control of said situation because its not in your nature to pry into those kind of matters. Just quietly recognise it for the severity that it has and that you might not be able to talk to them again.

This is different because it lies at your feet, you the sole instigator and criminal in this. You turned these people away through your battering ram approach and for what?

Just to get involved and to feel like you belonged to something, because you felt that you found a bunch of similar minded funny people who you could talk to and share experiences with thoughts and ideas, these were the people who you wish you had as friends growing up. To get smarter sharper with your opinions to think more critically of the world

What you didn’t realise is you overstepped your boundaries, no amount of apologies can change that.

Pathetic bredrin, no other way to look at it

You asked a person about their skirt length thinking it was an innocent enough question? only for you to immediately realise what you did wrong? fuck was on your mind? Disability or not that’s one of the worst decisions you’ve ever made.

The ephemera and sights of your area leaves you,things around you feel to change but you remain the same to a fault. Being a social butterfly is meant to be a great thing so they say but the reality is its more stifling than anything

your “home” doesn’t feel like home instead it feels as if you constantly have hooks in your back pulling lifting you up by your skin. Every once in a while you can feel the uncomfortable feeling but otherwise its just there.

It is what it is fuck what it could’ve been.

Are you being harsh on yourself or is it facing the truth? at this point its impossible to tell.

Where do you go or what do you do is the next difficult issue for you to decide? you wish to go “anywhere but here” on this crumbling island but you have no idea of a destination as where to go.

You’ve made much of the journey this far but it feels as though this is where that road ends,the drawbridge has been raised and you have either one of three choices , jump in and embrace defeat stand there and stare at barrier and ruminate on what could’ve been or you can just walk back with no fanfare but with the feeling of “this isnt where i should be”

You’ve been in between two different worlds all your life, most likely destined to be a small island unto yourself, you’ve learned to embrace your own company but that will eat you inside out and in some ways maybe that might be for the better.

You might think this is about you but in reality is isnt, its only about you in the sense of what you did, they’re voice matters more than you. Vanishing into thin air might be your only bit of respite. Own up to it.


For a friend I worry that I take for granted

Seamus P. Burke my dude, my homie,my bredrin and all them other affection words that I could use.

Seamus is a fella i’ve known since before i’ve really gotten with twitter,at this point it feels like i’ve known him forever,the grey man, the only guy i know of who can make grey hair and black nails work and flaunt it.

Before we got aquainted I was just a fan reading along to Oh Goodie! chuckling at some of the references  that one panel of James sitting alone miserable and in a daze in that small toilet is a image that’ll live with me cause I’ve been in that lonely space before.

No One Cares is a brisk thoughtful bit of slice of life that i like to,it’s odd cause i’m not the hugest fan of those kind of comics cause it feels like they repeat themselves very frequently but all it takes is the right combination of humour and melancholy for me to be engrossed in what a person has to say.

“What a horrible night to have a curse” is a riff on Castlevania 2 one of the clunkiest and weirdest sequels to come out of the NES era there’s enough absurdity in it to make it stand out from your usual gaming webcomic but not enough that it just becomes a chore.

We both share our own frustration as being people with foreign names who people mispronouce alot of the time,I love your stories about growing up in Chicago and your stories about your family and how you pretty much played the biggest gamble in moving out to Portland.

You was the person I confided in about my diagnosis when I was still trying to figure out what it all meant for me at that point in time,I still remember when you came out with that piece about your own difficulties at the time I was struggling to find people who identified with what was going on with me I went to this summer club at a secondary school not far from my college but it’s hard to really feel like you belong when you’re the oldest person there.

So to see that and especially to see you go in the detail about it,the exhaustion the frustration and especially the paranoia as you described it “being trapped in a permanent feeling of did I leave the gas on?” to say it meant alot to me is an understatement.

But this post also serves as my own personal apology to you,my man as I feel like i’ve been taking your friendship for granted neglecting and not really talking with you. I’m really happy to see that you and April are still together, we’ve both lost one or two mutual friends who were important to us for things out of our control,not to mention both our countries are throwing out the baby with the bath water and it’s only 2 months in.

There were alot of times were you could contact me and i would either quietly shun you or you probably haven’t heard from me for months at a time, but it’s not because I suddenly didn’t like you I was just not really in the mood to talk to anybody, either wanting my own bit of solitude,I know i’m not the nicest person but there’s alot of people who i’ve come in contact who I think about how they’re doing alot and you’re definitely one of the people who sticks out to me the most.

My good friend Seamus.

There’s been some personal turmoil on your end and I see that you’ve set up a patreon, those youtube videos you’ve been making are good man keep it up as somebody who grew up with a game boy it means alot to see you cover them not only that but to start off with Tetris,that’s a power move in my book.

It’s really nice to know somebody else whose a creative and be able to say that i’ve sort of grown and changed alongside with them I regret that this past year I haven’t been catching up with you as long as I should but the fact that you’re still out there and giving the good fight makes me happy.

Tell April and Jen Van Meter  that i said hello and i hope they’re doing alright, maybe this week we can catch up and shoot the shit about what’s been going on both our ends.I feel proud to know you.

props to you man.

feel free to contribute to his Patreon :https://www.patreon.com/spburke

RIP to a master

Jiro Taniguchi drew like he had all to lose.

He could be tender, he could be harsh he could be sexy and he could be fluid and he did it all with the same clear precise penstroke

The Walking Man is often advertised as something of a feel good manga but i feel that it lacks the kind of on the nose sentimentality that alot of those novels tend to have. What we do get is that rare story that makes you appreciate the little moments of everyday. I’m generally a big fan of people making art out of something utterly mundane.

But whenever i think of The Walking Man i always remember that panel of him sitting in the tree with the trees branches and leaves,spread all about it’s a gorgeous panel maybe one of my favourite panels in all of comics.

Then there’s Benkei in New York a downright goulish collection of stories centered around a Japanese artist who works as a hitman in his spare time.

it’s along the same lines of his other pulp crime works like Hotel Harbour View which reads like you’ve arrived at the end of a  novel but with only  shreds of the story that came before it.

Benkei is darker in tone compared to Harbour View but it never goes into schlock value, on re-reading the novel the thing that stuck out to me the most was the experience of being an outsider in a city that no longer exists. That city being the ghost of the old grimey New York City.

There’s a swordfight in Chapter 3 that is kinetic harsh you can feel the movement coming off the page as swords collide and items in the museum are knocked over,most artists only have one or two but there’s 3 of those kind of jaw dropping moments in that same chapter if i could recommend one of his works that and Walking Man would be the two i would shout about to the high heavens.

Taniguchi felt like one of those rare artists who was always one book off from breaking through to the mainstream he wasn’t a forgotten pioneer who through rediscovery was acknowledged as part of a lineage in manga history  like Yoshihiro Tatsumi or one of the heavy hitting pioneers like Koeki.

Taniguchi drew like he knew if this was his last work it needed to be something worth remembering,and that’s something i’ll surely miss.


For the 4 guys burning in hell who matter of me alot

I wish I was as deadpan as Joe McCulloch

I wish I was as decisive as Matt Seneca

I wish I was as surgical as Chris Mautner

and I really wish I was as funny and uncompromising as Tucker Stone

I think the moment i truly fell in love with Comic Books are burning in hell was listening to Tucker talking about Animal Man :http://comicsinhell.libsyn.com/now-thats-what-they-call-a-squawkfest

He never mentions the aspects of the comic that people tend to bring up (the twist at the end,the importance it has to comics Vertigo etc) he’s read more comics than a grown man would like to admit he’s seen through the marketing,the exhausting Team comics enthusiasm and Grant Morrison’s quite frankly embarrassing attempts to position himself as “one of the good ones” in comics so he’s able to exactly talk about it as what it truly is. A comic made and marketed for smart college kids.

It was that episode that spoke to me the most in part because it confirmed a number of suspicions i had at the time about the Vertigo line,Amazon approved comics that I was reading at the time and gave me a new found sense of perspective that hell iI don’t think i was even getting from friends at the time about comics. I felt like I was able to break off from these easy entry points and get to the works that were really more geared towards my interests and not pretend that i wanted to talk about these books that have been discussed a thousand times over. Thank you Tucker to hear somebody say that out loud means alot in ways that are hard to describe through words.It mean that i wasn’t alone nor that i was wrong in my thinking.

Joe is probably the one i feel the most kinship to in terms of taste but granted i’m of that generation of late 90s Westerners who went to anime and manga over comics at a time when much of the old comic were handwrining over how to classify them(and letting their jingoism and racism show but that’s for another time). Sometimes it’s the episodes with the comics on the surface i would find the least interesting tend to be the most intriguing of all just due to how well he’s able to explain a point by the way he brings in historical context where the authors work, always succinct and to the point so as not to waste anybody’s time.

That and he has a sense of humour that can be so deadpan that it’ll put you through the loop before you get to the punchline, hearing him and Tucker express both confusion and hilarity at Garth Ennis’s Red Rover Charlie is a highlight for me ( https://www.bleedingcool.com/2013/12/04/live-from-the-comic-shop-2/)

I’ll admit to have sent Joe some of my embarrassing earlier attempts at writing including a review on Andrei Rublev i did what feels like ages ago on here,thanks for taking some pity on me Joe,i’m certain that review must look terrible now.

I think i could listen to Chris talk for weeks about  this and being a parent and family man is a perspective I find really vital, we’ve long gone past the point where the first and 2nd generation of “fans” have also grown up with their beloved mediums and pop culture iconography, the nerds won arguably for worse but it’s no longer out of place to still be into things the way was decades ago where it was just expected for people to grow out of such things.

Chris’s voice is vital to me for that not just because of his insight (hearing him talk about Blutch’s Peplum) was a joy for me but also because voices like that are more vital than ever both to bring new people into the medium,thank you sir.

Then there’s Matt always the one with the worst mic of the 4 but the way in which he’s able to draw you into understanding his perspective is second to none always enthusiastic to talk about comics among like-minded people and sometimes just as scornful as Tucker when talking about comics he doesn’t like “It makes Blankets look like the Dark Knight returns” is one that sticks out for me.

Also shout outs to Matt for saying Judge Dredd looked like he was pulling the Thizz face in Day of Chaos i was dying of laughter when i first hear that.

Comic books are burning in hell is the kind of podcast i would’ve loved to have done if i had read comics from childhood they’re cynical towards industrial complex of the “Big Two” but in a way that accepts the machine for what it is despite how reactionary, out of touch and clueless many of the people are, smart and speaking from a place of people who know what they’re talking about not just because they’ve read the issues but acknowledge the obscenity of money in a field such as comics that has been in decline.

But also because they’re funny from the anecdotes about Tucker’s daughter kicking him in the face to Joe’s story about using two large shopping bags full of bags coming to the conclusion that “Comics have always been repellent to people and always will be”

To Joe,Matt & Chris disguising the lurid works of Suehiro Maruo even the recent episodes from Joe and Chris about the conventions you do get gems along side the insight,real insight not the kind you see in games where somebody from a forum claims they know what Nintendo should do for their next business quarter.

I suppose this is that thing that podcasts do in comparison to radio whey they create something in real time that draws you in,podcasts draw you in with the topic of what the show is about and then keep you as a fan more so because of the personal stories.but these stories feel valuable to me because they helped me become more critical as a fan.

It’s through these 4 i was introduced to other other writers whose writing on comics who in one way or another despite different or idiosyncratic opinions unlike alot of people i came to The Factual Opinions through their podcasts than their writing (hang tight Witske,i know you’re going through it man hang in there i love how much you love Nick Nolte) some of these people I know can’t stand one another but i value what they have to say.

If you want a good example of where this comic is at it’s best listen to this episode:http://comicsinhell.libsyn.com/conservatism-needs-your-help-and-so-does-barnaby

The first half of this episode is as much a dressing down of the comics industry that like it or not people who have been into and followed mainstream comics know we’re guilty of contributing to this system but for me is something of a satisfying rallying cry to hear somebody call out and expose hypocritical conservative writers and “geek culture” at large who at a time when a rambling editor of a white nationalist website is one of the 3 most powerful people in the world still talk like their underdogs. There are people who saw the darkness coming a mile away it’s just too many chose to willfully ignore it.

I would’ve chosen the episode where they took hacksaws to Scott McCloud’s The Sculptor partially because it’s such a masterclass in exposing broadsheet approved mediocrity but also selfishly because it came out on my birthday.

Thank you guys thank you for your efforts i’ll still keep listening and reading both as a fan and as somebody who would like to get to your level of articulation and knowledge.

*Zev Love X voice* “Who Me?”

I probably should’ve done this while the iron was hot but the combined 3 pronged monster of depression, thoughts of death by 50 something year old Yorkshire bred fascist and using video games as a coping tool, have been in my way.

But this introduction is less for the one or two people who already know who i am and for the people coming to this through my friend Tegan O’neils 13th anniversary post on The Hurting (http://whenwillthehurtingstop.blogspot.co.uk/2017/01/thirteen-years-of-terror.html)

She’s somebody whose become a good friend to me overtime and a person that doesn’t make this venture feel like a complete waste of time.thank you for those of you who took time out to read my piece about Tegan in all honesty it was a surprised she even mentioned me in there but after the nightmare of a day i had when that piece came out strangly enough things got better for me after that.

So what i can i say about myself i’m 22 years old, i try to be open to others despite hating showing my face on the internet, i read alot hated Twitter before everybody else did and currently trying to get my issues sorted as the island i live on(that being the UK) collapses all around me. I’m really bad at talking about myself as i tend to be private but in the last 2 years i try to be more open around others and try to disregard that thought of me being “the most miserable man in the room”. also i listen to ALOT of rap music, no ‘one rap album’ a year shit from me

I’ve been a guest on a couple podcasts so if anybody is interested and want sort of a highlight reel of the stuff i’ve leant my voice to i can put a list together if anybody would like to.

I started this blog as an idea from my AS Mentoring advisor Sarah she’s really the main influence behind this and at the time i wasn’t sure whether to or not,she also showed me a site that worked as a way to make possible money off of this but whether it’s due to my laziness or being exhausted alot of the time i haven’t sat down and done the planning (might have to reach for the dreaded patreon *lighting strikes*) as of right now she’s still in Jerusalem doing humanist ministerial work, i’d be lying if i were to say that i didn’t miss her but last i spoke to her she’s doing well.

As of right now as some of you have noticed i’ve been doing my “For Alto” pieces these have both been my way of showing proper respect and adoration to people who have influenced me especially in the last few years to become a better writer and a person to think smarter try and be funnier etc and it’s my way of saying “you matter to me whether you notice it or not and thank you” later on in the week i might put all those pieces together in one place so people can find them easier,but right now for me the most important thing is that they’re written and out there

But it’s also like everything else on here a way to work on my pen game,to sharpen what skills i have and like some of my favourite rappers to get thoughts and ideas down while they’re still fresh and too put my thoughts down in exactly as i see them.

I know nobody ask me to do this but i felt it would be nice to do, keep an eye out and feel free to comment on my stuff i like talking to people. thank you and have a nice day

P.S. for some of you prepare to feel “uncool” and “really white” because there will be alot of rap/black music related talk on here.

"It has been so long since she used a metaphor!"